Question: Something I mentioned in my consultation is regarding my ex’s affair partner. I don't know how much happened between them (and likely never will), but I found out today they are still spending time together and taking my kids to do activities, which I guess technically isn't against our agreement because I have met him before. However, this goes against things she told me over the last few months of separation, i.e., how they are still just friends and that she doesn't even like him like that. So, she is proving to me what her character is now. I now know that I definitely don't want her back because of this situation. I thought I had processed my feelings regarding this (I've been seeing a therapist) and was able to keep it out of my mind, but apparently not. I have discovered one of my triggers is when my kids say "his" name. I feel shame and blame that her "cheating" was my fault, that I didn't do enough, and that this other guy must be way better than me. I know in my head none of that is true. I wasn't perfect, but I sure didn't deserve that. Is there anything I can do to help reduce the trigger of emotions for when my kids say his name? Answer: Your strong reaction to hearing the name of your ex’s affair partner is evidence of an emotional wound. It’s a completely normal, healthy response when you experience betrayal trauma. It can manifest itself in various ways, but it's good that you’re acknowledging it. This is the first step to overcoming it. The second step is understanding what triggers you. Knowing that it’s this person’s name is helpful. Sometimes, you can avoid saying or using a name that’s triggering. For example, one of my clients calls her ex “Kid’s Dad” in her contacts and when she speaks about him. It’s a subtle way of reminding yourself why you’re interacting with them and helps you stay on track without recalling your emotional connection with them every time you say their name. One option for you could be to call him “Mom’s friend.” That may help. The real reason it’s a problem has nothing to do with his name. You’re feeling betrayed and having thoughts and emotions that are causing you pain when you hear his name. These thoughts and emotions are where you can do the work to treat your wound and let it heal—practice allowing, accepting, and naming your emotions when they come up. Don’t try to avoid them. That just makes the emotions more intense. Make sure you watch the Phase 1, Lesson 4 teaching video on processing your emotions. This takes intentional, repeated effort. So, you will need to allow and process this pain many times before it heals completely. As they say, “The way out of misery is through pain.” As you do this, the pain will gradually decrease until, eventually, it will just be a memory. I also recommend listening to podcast episode #54 on betrayal trauma. It will give you many suggestions for caring for yourself while you’re healing. You’re doing so well! Keep doing the work!

Question: In Phase 1, Lesson 3, Give Yourself Time to Heal, you recommend that I keep things the same. What and why should I keep things the same? I hate the way things are, and I am confused. Answer: When your whole life is turned upside down by divorce, finding ways to stay grounded is important. One way to do that is to keep doing those things that work and were going well in your life before your separation/divorce. I recommend keeping everything as “normal” as possible for yourself and your children. In some cases, everything has already changed completely, so that may not be possible at this point. What things did you do regularly before that brought you joy? What hobbies do you enjoy that help you relax and connect with God and others? Keep doing these things if you can. And, if you weren’t balanced before, now is a good time to work on finding balance in your life with wholesome recreational activities and integrating spiritual practices into your daily life. I suggest that you think about your relationship with your children and keep your interactions exactly as they were before you separated. If you have special traditions like daddy-daughter dates or father-son outings, you continue doing these things as much as possible. This time of change is especially difficult for them, so it is a great time to improve your relationship with each of them. Find ways to connect and relate with them individually. Most importantly, reassure them that although your relationship with their mother has ended, your relationship with them will not end. This is the time to eliminate activities that waste time or pull you away from your children and the Lord and recommit to ones that bring you closer to both of them. Bring this to coaching this week if you’re still feeling confused. Keep doing the work, and you will start to see and feel the results!

Question: How can I develop closure and not wonder about my ex or our future as co-parents? Is there ever real closure? Will more time passing help me let go of him? Answer: In relationships, we create a strong desire for a person, and then we create an attachment to that person for our future. We connect our happiness or potential for happiness to our thoughts about a person. When you address your desire and attachment to a person, you address your pain's root cause. You can't just address the consequences of divorce and not address the root cause of your pain, which is your desire. Right now, you are still desiring your ex, which is totally normal. There is no judgment there. It’s just an observation, information to use. When you learn to recognize what's causing you pain, you can reframe your thinking to change your desire for a person. If you don't desire your ex, then you will be free to release your attachment to them and their connection to your future happiness. When you do this, you won't feel the loss, pain, heartbreak, or bitterness towards them. You begin to see them as someone whose life goals no longer align with yours. They made choices that took them out of your marriage and life. They are not the same person you married; they are different than you hoped they would be, and your relationship is now complete. It was always going to happen this way—FOR YOUR GOOD! When you let go of your desire to be still married to them (or their potential), you can build a bigger and better life than the one with your ex. Your goal should be to create a beautiful, full life for yourself- that no one can take away from you that you can share with someone deserving of you! Zoom out. Look back on your entire relationship, not just the good parts…not just the highlight reel, not who or what you hoped they would become; how was it at the end…honestly? It wasn't ALL GOOD. Take an honest assessment of your relationship…really be willing to see the FACTS about your relationship…maybe things you didn't want to see or admit? Your pain is coming from your thoughts about your ex. What are you making the divorce mean about you and your future? What disempowering stories are you telling yourself about your divorce, your ex, and your future? The marriage breakup will reveal what was happening in your relationship. Believe people when they show you who they are…if they lie, they are liars! Your ex is just a small player in this chapter of your life. They have a small role that is over now…you had some good times, but that’s just a small portion of the story. There is beauty and goodness there, but if your goals or lifestyle no longer align, then the relationship is complete. It has served its purpose. It’s time to turn the page and begin a new chapter. Are you missing and wanting your ex’s potential or who they are right now? Do your LIFE GOALS AND PRIORITIES align? Do they align with what you want in your life now? Obviously, not if they have chosen a different lifestyle or chosen to be with someone else. Remind yourself of this reality daily. There really is closure as soon as you are ready for it. It doesn't have to take a long time; it just takes intention. Practice this mantra: I wish them the best. They are not my responsibility. They are not in control of my life. I am. I do not need anything from them. I am free to choose what I want for my life, my family, and my future. I can create the life and family I want to have in the future regardless of what they do! Practice this, and let me know how it goes!

Question: The questions in the guidebook are wonderful, but I can't seem to answer them. I guess it's because I don't view my divorce as a trial. I see it as just life and must deal with it. I just brushed it aside. I don't dwell on them. So one of the questions... How can I open my heart to God and trust Him more? I literally don't know. I just continue doing what I'm doing: going to church, trying to read my scriptures, and saying my prayers. I can't answer many of the questions very well. I want to do the work to improve and help myself, but I’m unsure how. Answer: I'm so happy to see that you're using the Ask a Coach feature and doing the guidebook work. I understand your frustration with answering the questions in the guidebook about your divorce, especially since you haven't considered it a trial to learn and grow from. Choosing to see your divorce as just part of life, not dwelling on and brushing it aside, offers some relief from disappointment and discouragement and helps you focus on moving forward, which is good. Still, it won't allow you the opportunity to learn from it. I want to challenge you to spend some time thinking about your marriage relationship with curiosity and the goal of gleaning all you can from it. Really focus on reviewing your thoughts and behaviors in your relationship. What can you learn from seeking the Lord's help to understand what He wants you to learn from your marriage relationship? Are there things you can see clearly now that you didn't see when you were married? Opening your heart to God and trusting Him more are mental activities, not physical ones. Choose to spend some time every day pondering these things. Go to the Lord in prayer to ask for His help, gaining perspective and wisdom from your marriage relationship. Ask yourself what thoughts and behaviors you want to take with you from your marriage relationship and what ones you want to leave behind. How can you trust God more going forward in your new relationship? How can you listen and connect with Him more mentally? You will find ways to gain new insights as you ponder these things with curiosity and without judgment. If you're still feeling stuck, you can get coached on this either on the FFD group call or privately. It can take time; keep working on it! I'm excited to hear how it goes.

Question: I am struggling with really missing my ex some days. I find myself ruminating on what he did and that he is now spending time with other women. It makes me so upset and confused. I do not want him how he is now, but I deep down want him to miss me too and us to work on things. I tell myself all day this is for the best, but I feel stuck in still having hope things can change even though he has shown me time and time again that they won't. How can I let go of this? Answer: It may sound counterintuitive, but resisting your thoughts about him is what’s causing you to stay stuck on them. It’s human nature to want what we tell ourselves we can’t have. It’s totally normal for you to be sad, heartbroken, and grieve for your lost life with him. Even if you know the divorce is for the best. You have experienced a loss of his friendship and companionship in your life. It’s natural to feel sad and miss him. Give yourself permission to feel sad and miss him at times. This is part of the grieving process of going through divorce. This is how you progress: by allowing yourself to be real about what is going on in your life. Acknowledge your grief. Say to yourself, This is grief. I’m feeling it because I miss the man I married, our marriage, and the future we planned together. This is grief. This is what grief feels like. This is how I heal. Allowing yourself to feel the pain and cry when you feel like it. Your tears are like medicine. It’s okay. You’re just feeling an emotion. As you let go of the dream you had for your life with him and allow yourself to have new dreams of a different life, you will feel less pain from this loss. But give yourself time to do this. The FFD program has two lessons devoted to this topic: Phase 1, Lessons 3 and 4. Watch these videos and complete the accompanying guidebook pages. The guidebook work will help you uncover your thoughts and process your emotions.

Question: How can I set a boundary instead of trying to control the situation? Background on my situation is my ex-husband had been deployed 5 months into our marriage and was gone for a year. Once he got home, he worked the second shift, and I worked days, so even then, we did not get much quality time together. There were multiple times I asked him to switch to a day shift job. Once I found out about his pornography addiction and infidelities, I asked him again to switch jobs where he would be home more. I even asked him to come home from the police academy he was at because I did not feel we could fix things with him not being home. I now realize these were unhealthy boundaries, and they probably pushed us even more apart. My question here is how I can keep myself from setting unhealthy boundaries. And what would have been a good boundary in these situations? Answer: Setting boundaries is so important when you're dealing with a spouse with an addiction. You were not necessarily asking your husband to do something unreasonable when you asked him to change shifts to be home more often or come home from his police training. Boundaries are guidelines that you set for someone in your life, and they include specific actions you will take if they cross them. There is one lesson in the Faith-Filled Divorce program devoted to this topic. It's in Phase 3, Lesson 5. Watch this video and do the guidebook pages that accompany it. Setting and applying boundaries in your life can be challenging, but they can also help your relationships function better. This strategy is not one you can use in past situations; it’s one you can use going forward. If you’re struggling with understanding when and how to apply boundaries in your relationships now, this is a perfect topic to discuss in a private coaching call. Remember, as a member of Faith Filled Divorce, you get a discount on private coaching calls. I'd love to help you with this if you're still feeling stuck after doing the work on boundaries in FFD.

Question: I am LDS and I'm divorced. My ex completely left the church. Considering what I’ve been through, should marrying someone who is a member of the church who I can be sealed to in the temple still be important? Answer: This is a question that only you can answer. No one can or should make this decision for you. With that being said, if you are an active member of the church and want to find your eternal companion and be sealed in the temple to them, then you should only date worthy, active members of the church. Let me ask you a question… why would you consider dating outside the church? It can be really discouraging when you did that the first time, and it didn't work out the way you hoped, but that doesn't mean you should give up on your goals and dreams. This is a righteous desire and the ideal goal for all of us. You should explore your thoughts on the subject. It sounds like you may be thinking it's not possible to find the type of person you’re looking for and may be considering dating outside the church as your only option. This thought is not serving you. It is possible to find someone worthy of you, with the same goals. What you think you create. So, what do you want to create in your life?

Question: Sometimes, I miss my husband. I miss having someone to talk to when things are frustrating, and I don't have any answers to the problems of life. I just have to realize that I miss the man I married and the dream I had. That is not the man he is now. Looking ahead seems like forever and I feel sad. How can I look ahead to the future, move forward with my own life and not feel sad? Answer: Missing your ex after divorce is totally normal, even when you know divorce was the right choice. You are experiencing loss. Loss of his companionship. There is no reason to be ashamed of yourself for this. You are a human! You are sad. You miss him, your life together and your dreams of your future together. Give yourself permission to be a human and feel. This is how you progress. By allowing yourself to grieve the loss of your marriage.

Question: I’m separated and getting a divorce but my spouse is still living with me. She’s not planning to leave. It's starting to really wear me down. She is addicted to gaming and spends close to 100 percent of her day online with her friends. She pretty much ignores me and my daughter. Our daughter walks on eggshells around her because she doesn't know what mom she is going to get. I feel trapped. My daughter does too. I’m trying to be ‘Christlike' but I’m starting to feel angry and resentful. Any advice? Answer: Notice how you’re focused on your ex’s actions and your actions. You don't get to choose her actions. You’re only responsible for yours. Remember your thoughts cause your feelings which cause your actions. Do you like your thought and feeling combination right now? When you become aware of this, there might not be anything you want to change. But, if you are taking action from feelings of fear, resentment, obligation, confusion, or another feeling that doesn’t feel super good, it will be difficult to stand behind the actions you are taking. There is no way for any coach to know what you should do or not do in this situation. But, once you get your thought and feeling aligned with ones you like… that will naturally drive your best action. And that might mean setting a boundary, or charging rent. Or it might not. But, you’ll feel more peace, because it will feel truer to who YOU want to be. And then after all of that, we’ve got to let the result in your ex’s model go. She gets to be who she wants to be. It’s not yours to change.

Question: I found out my husband had a severe porn/sex addiction 10 years into my marriage. I tried for 10 more years to work with therapists and bishops and teams of help. I had a testimony that everything could be overcome through the Savior. The consequences of his choices ravaged my faith for all these years but I held on to hope. Recently more heavy consequences came again which caused us to have to be physically separated again. I had to move away and start my life over. Our children suffered the most. I decided that even though I knew he could change I couldn’t keep waiting when there was no progress forward on his part. He wasn’t learning. So I am doing this even though I still understand he could heal later. Even though it would break my heart to see him with someone else, I can’t put my future in his hands anymore. Now I am being so “brave” everyone tells me. I am overwhelmingly lonely. It has been 10 months since we started the divorce process. Every day I grow a little better. How can I rebuild my faith? Answer: I’m curious about why you believe your ex’s porn use ravaged your faith. What does that look like? Did you believe your faith in him and God would fix is porn problem? If so, I can see why your faith has been damaged. Remember everyone has their agency. Your hope and faith that he would overcome his pornograpy addiction cannot override his agency. And, it actually doesn't mean anything about you. He looks at porn. The reality is that his porn use is not and never was about you. Many porn users use it to feel something and/or to escape difficult emotions. There is part of you that believes that it was your responsibility to “fix” him? What if this struggle in your marriage is part of your faith journey? It’s important to focus on your part of this story, not your ex’s. How has the lord helped in your life despiste your ex’s pornography addiction? How have you personally grown more resilient and faithful although your ex is still the same? How can you trust God more in your own life?

Question: In February of this year, after three years of marriage to a wonderful LDS church lady residing in Montana, our journey together came to an unexpected end. It was during our journey to a stake conference in Frenchtown, Montana, that she expressed her desire for a divorce. Our divorce was finalized a week and a half after Valentine's Day, leaving me with a profound need for healing and recovery, a process that has taken time but remains ongoing. I'm optimistic and I keep my head up but I recognize the need for healing. Answer: Although your life looks different than you hoped it would at this point, the way forward is to focus on the present and what you want your future to be like. The first step is to accept what’s happened and where you are right now. Then start to look toward your future. If your current thoughts about your wife and your marriage are based on what you’ve experienced in the past, you’ll stay stuck in that pain. I invite you to look to a future where you are not hurting, not extremely depressed and you have truly let it go (whatever that looks like for you) and choose the details of that future for you. Then get really clear on what you would need to be thinking, feeling, doing and stop doing today that will help you take action and make progress to the future you are envisioning. You have control over your future. Each day as your mind wants to think about the past, or what you don’t like about today it will go against your goal of letting it go. It’ll be your work to bring your mind back to a place of control, right now, today and what you choose to believe about what’s possible for you. When you feel hurt and loss it is because of what you’re choosing to think and make it all mean that truly causes our hurt. Remember, to have a lot of self compassion and grace for yourself along the way. It will take consistent daily effort to shift your focus to your future and let go the past.

Question: My divorce will be final in one month. I am actually really excited about it. I know divorce is the right thing in my situation and I have faith that things are going to be great for my family now and in the future. I am 31 years old and I have three young girls (6yrs, 4yrs, and 2yrs) which I will have full custody of. I am looking forward to dating and getting remarried. I think remarrying will be a great thing for me and for my kids. I am concerned about marrying the “right” man this time around. I believe my ex was who I needed at that time, and I am grateful for all of the things I learned from the experience, but I don’t want someone like him next time around. I want to marry someone who is honest, treats me as his equal, helps with my kids, provides for us, and helps us feel safe. All of which I didn’t have with my ex. I don’t know if I should marry someone who has never been married, or someone who has been married and has kids (whether divorced or widowed). I feel great about my situation right now and I love my girls with all of my heart. I currently live at my parent’s house with my kids and it has been a wonderful experience. My parents have been such a blessing! But I would like to get remarried and move forward with a wonderful marriage and family life one day, but I’m worried about finding the “right” man. Answer: I love your attitude! It sounds like you’re in a healthy place and know what you want and what you don’t want with the exception of a few things. It’s natural to lose trust in yourself after divorce, but you can rebuild it with focus and effort. What if you trusted yourself to know exactly what you wanted when the moment came? You can try dating different people who have different circumstances and see what feels right to you. You have your list of what’s important to you and you can use that as a guide as you meet different people and start dating.